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[02 Sep 2002|05:16pm] |
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well then your caught in the middle for however long you dont tell it like it is
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| mix |
[11 Aug 2002|03:01am] |
the dandy warhols - tv theme song
bjork - ballad
radiohead - punchdrunk lovesick singalong
sex pistols - no feelings
david bowie - moonage daydream
R.E.M. - gardening at night
the strokes - someday
rolling stones - time is on my side
blur - music is my radar
monkees - sweet young thing
the damned - new rose
the who - pictures of lilly
the pixies - oh my golly!
sonic youth - inhumsn
ozma - rocks
creation - making time
the who - a legal matter
weezer - suzanne
love - little red book
rolling stones - 19th nervous breakdown
polaris - saturnine
velvet underground - beginning to see the light
they might be giants - james ensor
bob dylan - 4th time around
PJ harvey - kamikaze
pixies - break my body
monkees - as we go along
patti smith - break it up
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[29 Jul 2002|12:26am] |
o and for now on-
friends only.
i have my reasons.
if youd like
i'll add you.
just comment.
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[29 Jul 2002|12:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
penfold- bitter |
] |
car shopping went well, today.
tomorrow i sign the papers for the car
the car being the BLAZER with the drivers seat i have to stack phone books on in order to see over the steering wheel.
its blue.
its nice.
its hot.
and now- i just have to re-learn how to drive.
im serious.
i have to get my license by next wednesday.
any takers someone to teach me how?
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[28 Jul 2002|03:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
prefuse 73- hot winter's day |
] |
original shift: 9-6am
what i worked: 9-8:30am
first waitress called out.
no one came in at 7 because the schedule was screwy.
hostess called out.
and to top it off, it was so incredibly slow last night.
i barely made sixty bucks.
but atleast my lover, christin, brought me a pineapple?!
i'm getting out of the car and there she is. a big, beautiful pineapple and a container of pineapple as well. we should have just had sex right there with all of my excitement, but, instead i gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and reminded her that we should be soulmates.
so i got home around 9 am.
they wanted me to come into work today at 4, but i refused. there is no way i'd get enough sleep. so someone is covering my shift. hallelujah.
i should have never even gone to work last night.
anyway, i have the night off.
and i am relieved.
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|
| violet |
[27 Jul 2002|07:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
juno- we slept in rented rooms |
] |
7:22 im just arriving home from work.
crazy shift. 9-630.
anyhow, recap:
carson joined me for the smores night, here.
little did we know it was also free spaghetti night, so we dragged my room mate to the lounge and ate it up.
hip hop boy was there.
so then hop hop boy, carson, meghan and i went down in the rain to the campfire for smores. mmmm. yum&yum and then carson and i tried to go back to my dorm but we were locked out and my room mate was no where to be found.
ends up hip hop boy was standing outside my window throwing pinecones up to tell us to come down to the station with him to go to his radio show. so we went, and made him play rufus wainwright, mates of state, the vines, the doves and some prefuse 73.(etcetc)hot.
we left after an hour to come back and change out of wet clothes. i kept talking to him online from the station, and- i guess im easily amused but id be typing one thing to him and hed reply by talking on his radio show, which we were listening to through my tv.. . just picture it.
anyway, whitney came. piled up her pillows and blankets i borrowed a while back.
oh and heres the best part.
"carson, when i drink liquor, my face turns red. im a beer girl"
i took a shot of the rum.
there i went. slowly from pale, freckled fallon
to violet from willy wonka. my face was beaming.
grooooss.
carson TRIED to steal jared from me, until he told me that he talks to me, more. ouch, carson.
then eric came up and we all left for the art bar.
carson wearing "the shoes" along with 5734895 other people.
we soon realized that youre not allowed to wear "the shoes" unless you're part of "that crowd" so she got bad looks. and that was truly amusing. you KNOW i'll be wearing mine next week.
anyway, i dragged eric, ross and whitney out to the dance floor for the faint. so whit and i are dancing, ross is doing something (ha) and eric is making us look so bad. all his robotic mooooves. sooooo hot.
justin jarrel was there.
that made me so incredibly happy.
then jon nichols? whats up?
(smokin' like a chimney, jared)
more dancing. erin&courtney and crotchgrabs.
eric and i went back to carlys where his car was, and all of us hung out with my kitten for a bit, then eric went home. i slept good. went to the mall, today. new jean jacket&skirt. i couldnt get in touch with andrew, no matter how hard i tried.. .
blacklicious cd.
work was sloow. i had this crazy arabic party come and i learned "the dirties" in their language. they were highly impressed with my accent.. . because ive studied all the "huch, scmech's" in hebrew, before. fifteen dolla tip right there.
hid the silverware.
nicholas and i caught up.
&gnite.
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[24 Jul 2002|11:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thirsty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the swords project- shannons wedding |
] |
im inviting hip hop boy to the art bar tomorrow.
anyway, carson call me when youre all done.
theres a smore get-together at seven, here, and whitney volunteered you. cmon itll be fun.
and i hate attending functions, alone.
gnite.
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|
[24 Jul 2002|05:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
juno- rodeo programmers |
] |
the best place to figure this out is my closet, my throne room, my foster home. i want a shower.
--
i'm reading the book natalie suggested.
speak by laurie halse anderson
so far i'm enjoying it. much.
i just wonder where all these books were when i wanted some sort of company, before. i'm not complaining, im satisified. it just makes me realize how much time ive spent on truly nothing.
no plans tnite.
i was hoping on a new skirt or a visit from my mother.
someone give me more to do.
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|
[23 Jul 2002|12:49pm] |
im renting a plane. and that will be my message.
be on the lookout.
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|
| coldplay |
[22 Jul 2002|10:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
i don't care what you think of me.
because they're amazing.
absolutely amazing.
Masquerade
Atlanta, GA
Saturday, September 14, 2002 7:00PM
$30.00
Charge by Phone: 404-249-6400
Seating Chart is not available
Ticket Sale Date(s):
Internet Presale Begins: Wed Jul 31, 10:00AM
Internet Presale Ends: Fri Aug 2, 5:00PM
Internet Public Sale: Sat Aug 3, 10:00AM
and i'm going.
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|
| pineapple vs penis |
[22 Jul 2002|02:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giggly |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
camera obscura- trigger system |
] |
SometimesEmotion: hey
numb the charm: hi
SometimesEmotion: so did you hear about me and samitas new band?
numb the charm: heard OF
numb the charm: no details
numb the charm: before u start
numb the charm: lemme just tell u im eating my fruit cup
numb the charm: and im leaving you for a pineapple
SometimesEmotion: lol.
SometimesEmotion: i knew it wouuld come to this.
numb the charm: now that im understood
numb the charm: go on.
numb the charm: ohdont be a crybaby about it.
SometimesEmotion: no you listen here.
SometimesEmotion: the fact that you could choose him over me. and on top of this. do in front my face.
SometimesEmotion: do it in front my face. and at a grocery store.
SometimesEmotion: how was i suppose to disagree. and say no. no fruit cup. no heaven for you.
SometimesEmotion: being a nice guy has canceled me out of your life.
numb the charm: would u rather this continue behind your back?
SometimesEmotion: at least i have a back. how long will pineapple stay with you. did you think about that.
SometimesEmotion: you can't keep him forever.
numb the charm: he listens to ME.
SometimesEmotion: i could last at least sixty more years.
numb the charm: he'll stay forever.
SometimesEmotion: i don't want to hear it.
numb the charm: so can my pineapple.
numb the charm: he wants to stay forever.
SometimesEmotion: no. you'll just get another pineapple.
SometimesEmotion: and another. and re use them. thats all you do user.
SometimesEmotion: is use people.
numb the charm: i guess so.
numb the charm: but this pineapple is different.
numb the charm: i think, well.. .
numb the charm: this might sound nuts but
numb the charm: we're in love.
numb the charm: myself and the pineapple
SometimesEmotion: OMG.
SometimesEmotion: can't hear this anymore.
numb the charm: and theres nothing u can do or say to make me feel any different about him.
SometimesEmotion: i have to go eat.
numb the charm: go eat a pineapple.
numb the charm: you'll understand.
SometimesEmotion: NO.
numb the charm: bye.
SometimesEmotion: I WILL EAT CHICKEN.
numb the charm: you'll never experience true love.
numb the charm: all you've got is that cliche storybook mess with humans.
Auto response from SometimesEmotion: ow chicken you've been such a great friend. i know you would beat up pineapple for me if you could. but your just to scared... get it. your a chicken.
numb the charm: this is real.
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|
[21 Jul 2002|11:58pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the album leaf- glimmer |
] |
i initated conversation with a perfect stranger, tnite.
a boy outside smoking a cigarette.
me having nothing to do
recognizing him from my music class.
not only did i get tips on the test, tuesday
but i overpassed that whole anti social deal i had going on.
ps- jared im only kidding.
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| AAA |
[21 Jul 2002|08:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 satisfied |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mogwai- helps both ways |
] |
recap:
thursday was my breakdown.
friday morning i worked.
received roses and dinner, thankyouverymuch.
enrico's was beyond wonderful. i had ravioli florentine- cheese sauce and spinach stuffed. mmm.
me:im stuffed.
him:thank god these jeans are stretch.
grocery shopping.
home.
drove to his house and watched a movie.
cried. slept.
woke up and went to breakfast.
crazy storm- i slept through most of it.
we went to my moms house where he got his thrills.
then to dinner.
then home.
then back to moms where i spent the night.
i had to sit with peyton and pat her back until she fell asleep. she was scared of something and amanda was too tired to handle her screams. my mom was passed out on the couch.. .
amanda: why dont you take care of your fucking baby?
mom: because i'm tired. she has everything she needs in there- just let her cry herself to sleep, she'll be fine.
amanda: mom i can't fall asleep while shes crying. i cant just take some pills and pass out like you.
silence.
so peyton and i hung out and i snuck out of the room when she fell asleep. worked. chatted. kids spaghetti. mmmm.
then we tried to go car shopping.
my volvo dreams are fading, fast.
the parts are too expensive if something were to break on me.
so im bound to get a shitty car, which is fine by me.
chilis was for dinner. free meal- our service was awful and my mother was there. she always has to raise a fuss.
before dinner ever started, my sister bet that it'd be a free meal. anyhow, i got a take home box full of nachos AND broccoli soup.
satisfied.
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|
| time flies |
[19 Jul 2002|12:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 shocked |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rocky votolato- swallowing swords |
] |
this was the first boy to ever "break my heart"
hes the reason i dont trust, anyone.
what an IDIOT.
----
numb the charm: did that girl move down to tampa to be with you?
Fishpunx: Staci?
numb the charm: yea
Fishpunx: yeah...we are getting married next month
numb the charm: omigod
numb the charm: youre kidding me
Fishpunx: nope
numb the charm: wow
numb the charm: how long have u been engaged?
Fishpunx: whod of thunk!
Fishpunx: since last october
numb the charm: thats nuts
Fishpunx: why?
numb the charm: well.. .congrats. good luck with that.
Fishpunx: thanks
numb the charm: youre so young thats all. and so is she.
numb the charm: you sure u can stay with one lady? haha
Fishpunx: yeah....but i love her and that's all we need i guess
numb the charm: good deal
Fishpunx: yeah i've actually been doin good with the girls
Fishpunx: wanna hear something really wack?
Fishpunx: I'm gonna have a baby
numb the charm: WHAT?
Fishpunx: yeah
numb the charm: oh my god. matt
numb the charm: how far along is she?
Fishpunx: just like 2 months
Fishpunx: she's not showing yet
Fishpunx: so nobody will be able to tell at the wedding
numb the charm: u dont think people will figure out that shes already 2 months?
Fishpunx: most people know....but who cares....we'll tell them it's a fat premie
Fishpunx: but the good thing is the coast guard gives me a crazy raise for having a kid
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|
[18 Jul 2002|10:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ethel meserve- east coker |
] |
everything that could go bad today
went bad.
my mom got the job in philadelphia and she starts on august 12th. which means shes moving up there and im here.
and the check from financial aid was only for 1600, 400 of which goes to my mother for paying for books. 1200 isnt enough for the car. for any car.
and i dont know how im going to afford things, anymore.
i'm pretty sure im going to take the fall term off and move back to carlys, and save up. ive got enough for my trip in december, so im glad thats out of the way, but i still feel like its not enough.
i dont want to take time off school at all.
i called up my mother and told her all of this and it became insanely quiet. and usually i can never get a word in with her.
"if you do it i'm disowning you. just move to philadelphia. i don't care anymore because im leaving. you're on your own." click.
im on my own.
i cried a bunch and got sleepy.
i woke up 5 hours later and decided to read.
i finished the perks of being a wallflower and im not satisfied. the book was amazing, but i didn't want it to end. its almost like i can't cope without knowing what charlie is thinking. what hes doing. and i keep thinking that this is nuts- its a book.
sometimes i get so attached.
anyhow, i was looking for an old cd. tori amos. boys for pele.
and i don't know what i was thinking- i know this cd by heart and it puts me in shitty moods, everytime. it reminds me of a time when i had someone so close to me. and i let it all slip away. it didn't help that she was moving across the country, but i could have been a bit stronger. i could have acted a bit more mature about the situation.
i found a letter from eighth grade that shed written me.
apologizing for one of our little fights. she never won, ive always been so stubborn.
i loved her for letting me get my way
-funny how different it is, now.
anyhow i called her out of the blue.
i haven't talked to this girl in ages. literally.
and i was secretly hoping that she wouldn't answer the phone, and that she had some sort of voicemail where i could hear her little voice. but she picked up. and she sounded happy. i started crying. and then i felt like an idiot and went into a stutter and im sure she was really confused.
but i just wanted to know how she was doing.
the phone went out. im not sure what happened, but i didn't call back. i was scared. and i already felt pretty stupid.
i miss her so much.
not just that feeling of having someone to talk to, but i miss her. ashlee nicole wactor.
i'd love to visit.
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|
|
[18 Jul 2002|09:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
aloha- sound between |
] |
horrible mood.
start:
fought with drew all day yesterday. the evening was made up of awkward silences and complications driven from both sides.
received news that my father is trying to sell my grandmothers' house. for one, im absolutely sickened by the thought of anyone else enjoying that house. and two, i know that if i would have said something to him, he would have let me have it. in part, it was mine, too. but since i procrastinated theres nothing i can do. i could call him and ask him not to sell it, but im sure he needs the money. and im sure hes doing it for a reason.
i crammed for a sociology exam.
failed.
and no, im not underestimating myself. i checked.
ive just had so many rough days, lately.
between my mother yelling at me on financial issues and me not coming to see the family enough
work.
company (and the lack thereof)
i'm tired
(thank goodness for 80s jared)
|
|
| misunderstood |
[17 Jul 2002|09:49am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mirah- cold cold water |
] |
i wanted to tell him
to express to him how happy that moment made me.
and so i did
and i was told not to "rub it in his face"
like that feeling
if received from a female would be more accepted.
i can't comprehend why it even matters to me
why im still here
jealousy couldn't excuse it.
he won't explain
simply because i want a better explanation.
-
im not allowed to feel
unless its something driven by 'she'
|
|
| letter from chris. |
[17 Jul 2002|02:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
arab strap - phone me tonight |
] |
i used to think about this all the time... when i was
really young even. i remember thinking about it since
2nd grade. an innocent love that was untouched by
anything from the outside... in junior high i thought
about it most of all.. i didnt want to ever settle for
anything less, but as the years have gone on i'd lost
touch with it the more i saw the truth about such
things, as i found real relationships to lack anything
that approached that idea
and now when i try to remember that feeling, its so
hard, because it is so far away & i've been taught by
the world that it doesnt exist.. i'd have even been
happy to have my heart broken, just to know that there
was something to it all along
sometimes i see it in someones eyes, in a fleeting
glance, but when i look again its gone. but in that
one moment, itll rush all through me & nearly kill me
more than anything i was afraid that it was an
illusion, and that i'd die never finding it
but it is all i will ever want out of life.. nothing
else concerns me whatsoever in any real meaningful way
but i did find it once... it was last labor day. my
cousin introduced me to this girl, who i swear must
have been an angel. she was the sister of a girl he
was seeing.. anyway, we all went to the beach. me
and this girl, we walked for hours along the beach
talking about everything --our lives, the beauty of
the ocean, philosophy, animal rights... it was the
most perfect moment of my life. i was amazed how much
we had in common.. afterwards, we went back to their
house & she cooked the best meal i ever tasted, some
vegan stir-fry thing. of course i am a fool for not
telling her how i felt about her & that i wanted to
see her again... last i heard, she moved to california
for cooking school.
i dont know if she was the one... or if she could have
been the one.. but because of her at least i know that
magic does exist outside of my imagination & your
tatoo.
but i think it is so rare to find anyone else who has
any idea what this feeling is.. the chances of two
people meeting & sharing that is so unlikely.. really,
even if they were to pass on the street & share a
glance.. they'd never talk. its tragic. what kills
me is how amazing life could really be.. and how it
all feels like a big waste such as it is
its really only by some miracle that either of us will
find this...
----
sometimes i wish i could write my own story.
|
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| split |
[16 Jul 2002|11:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 touched |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
better than ezra- beautiful mistake |
] |
tnite wasn't "perfect"
maybe next time.
--
i want to tell this boy everything.
and i think, slowly its getting to that point.
and i dont have to face him.
complete strangers.
and its a pleasant thought to have (trust)
and a pleasant feeling
spilling everything out again
but sometimes
itd be easier within the miles.
god knows theres only one other out there.
and he's made it perfectly clear.
--
on another note:
jared and i talked. thank you.
|
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